Relationship Blogging for HOSTAGE Magazine

My posts have been infrequent here as one-off articles haven't really been coming my way. But I've been busy most of the summer blogging for HOSTAGE magazine. Weekly, I do a Words of Wisdom Wednesday feature (an idea I only later realized I borrowed from the lovely and talented Melissa Blake) and beyond that,  I've written on topics like getting back together with an ex, learning to tell the good guys from the bad guys, and something I called "romantic realism." Check out my posts here:

http://blog.hostagenyc.com/author/rosella/

Advice from an online dating expert

via weheartit

I feel there can be no shame in admitting that I met Chris online. In fact, I met a majority of my legitimate love interests online. There was L who was a match on Facebook’s Are You Interested application. Then there were T and K whom I discovered on MySpace through my friends’ profiles. (T and K were big disappointments but then again, someone once described MySpace as the trailer park of the internet.)

A friend of mine, Anna Hyclak, recently posted this article on Seventeen’s website about what guys look for in a girl’s profile. At the end of the post, Anna poses the question: “What are some of the things that turn you off when they appear on guys’ profiles?”

It got me to thinking about the things I saw in these boys’ profiles that had me hooked.

I fell for L as much because the interests he listed in his Are You Interested mini profile seemed to align with my own as for the mention of having recently lost his father. This seemed to humanize him in a way that nothing else on his page did. It made my heart melt the tiniest bit and he once said the only reason he responded to my message right away was because I cared enough to say I was sorry for his loss.

Then one Friday afternoon in early May, I saw that Chris had viewed my profile on OKCupid. He hadn’t messaged me or anything though. When I looked at his profile, I searched for reasons not to talk to him — or at least reasons why he hadn’t reached out to me. I found nothing that turned me off. I was immediately intrigued by his “What I’m doing with my life” section which said he was writing a novel (among other things like, oh, starting a business). I wrote to him to ask what the novel was about and then we started texting. The rest is, as they say, history.

Here are some general rules to help guide you in your online romantic encounters:

1.) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but those thousand words might not be the ones to properly describe his personality. Look beyond that. There are plenty of guys who deserve a deeper, harder look than you think you should give them based on appearances.

2.) Also, remember that the thousand words he put in his profile may not capture who he is. I once heard it said that a person is a lot more than what they do or like — this is true. You can’t tell how trustworthy or respectful a guy is by reading a list of his favorite movies… Unless of course those movies tend to be about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

3.) Don’t talk for too long online before talking on the phone and especially in person. It’s too easy to be braver and racier in IM conversations than when you’re talking on the phone or in person and who wants to fall for a falsified version of you?

Ultimately, I would encourage you to move the relationship to the 3D realm as quickly as possible. Keyboards just don’t keep you warm at night.

This post appeared today on HOSTAGE Magazine's blog here.

HOSTAGE: Takes one to know one

 Women have a tendency to ask their female friends for relationship advice or help decoding their guys. Come on, ladies, we’ve all done it. But I have come to realize that the best advice in figuring out your guy really comes from other guys. Think Jack Berger, when he joins Carrie and the other Sex and the City girls at a club, telling Miranda the painful — and much needed — truth that sparked a bestselling book and movie: “He’s just not that into you.”

If only every girl had a Berger.

This weekend, my friend June called to vent about her boyfriend troubles. Her on-again, off-again boyfriend James, with whom she’s been ‘on’ for six months, had been giving her trouble about her upcoming birthday. What she really wanted was to go to the beach. He didn’t seem that into it.

Then, the day before her birthday, June calls James after work. He ignores her call. Twice. When he finally responds, it’s by text message. The message of the message? He’s with two female friends at the movies. Furthermore, James had asked her before if she would pay for him to go midnight bowling. June said even if his friend Kylie got him in for free because she works there, he definitely spent money on snacks. It didn’t add up.

I haven’t heard from her since that — except I know via Facebook that they ended up going to the beach — but I have heard the opinions of the two men in my life. My dad and Chris are both in consensus that James should be dumped. He’s clearly mistreating June, they said. And Chris added that he would never, ever go out to the movies with another girl and even if he did, he would answer his phone because his girlfriend comes first.

This is not the first sign of trouble I’ve seen in June’s relationship and while I have continually supported her and James, I’m beginning to believe that maybe he’s just not right for her after all. Because while women also have the tendency to be constantly supportive of their friends, sometimes that “yes” should really be a “no,” and no, I don’t believe that June deserves to be treated this way.

This post appeared on HOSTAGE Magazine's blog today.

HOSTAGE: The truth about Johnny Depp

Dear Boyfriends of the World,

While we may have posters of Johnny Depp on our bedroom (or dorm) walls and you may catch us reading the latest about his life in US Weekly, not that many of us actually want to get with him. So stop worrying about your “competition.”

OK, the truth is that this applies to most celebrities. We fantasize about their chiseled abs, muscular arms and strong jaws. Think Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince… You dragged us to the movie so the least you can do is not guilt trip us for admiring his smoldering gaze and washboard abs.

But there’s no need to be jealous. Most girls, myself included, aren’t really sure if we’d want to be with someone that rock hard. It wouldn’t be conducive to good cuddling. And there’s no need to pretend you hate cuddling — we know you like it at least some of the time.

Normal girls, while admiring the Ryan Reynolds’ and Hugh Jackman’s of the world, realize that in all likelihood, he’s more into himself than he could ever be into us. We want you. The cute guy who makes us laugh, who supports us, who does things he doesn’t necessarily want to do just because we mean that much to him. That’s the guy we really fantasize about. That’s the guy who is on my mind most of the day and night.

Come on — you’ve got your Angelina Jolie’s and Megan Fox’s and Gemma Arterton’s (think Prince of Persia). Sometimes we girlfriends of the world even engage you in conversation about the female hotties in Hollywood. The least you can do is let us silently admire the male hotties and keep our posters.

Love,

Rosella & The Rest of the World’s Girlfriends

This post appeared on HOSTAGE magazine's blog today.

Is chivalry dead?

The female perspective of a male-female debate over the health of chivalry.

I groaned under the weight of a 24-case of water bottles. There was a click sound and the flame of his Bic lighter flashed across his face. Our eyes locked as he shoved the lighter into his pocket and shuffled past. I moved the case to my left hip and got the door myself.

When a friend said she would have been surprised if he had gotten the door for me, I realized she was right. These days, there aren't any gentlemen opening doors for us ladies or pushing the buttons on the elevator when our hands are full. Instead, there are dudes who wait for you to open the door and dudes who push the door-close button just as you finally reach the elevator, out of breath.

It made me wonder: Whatever happened to good old chivalry?

"Guys on [Temple's] campus rarely hold the door for you when you're leaving the Student Center," Madison Carter, 20, said. "But my all-time favorite pet peeve is when you drop your books or need some kind of assistance and guys look at you for a split second and then proceed with whatever trivial task they were doing."

Chivalry, once the mark of a well-raised catch, is rarely done for chivalry's sake. Whereas, in the past, it was common for a man to lay down his coat over a puddle to protect a woman's skirts from mud, guys today seem to only think twice about their manners when it could help them get laid.

Consider the catcall epidemic. When someone in my dorm burned popcorn at 3 a.m. and my friend and I went outside to wait out the fire alarms, every man who passed us asked how we were. I've had 20 minutes of sleep and I'm wearing flip-flops and socks -- am I supposed to swoon at you because you were polite enough to ask how I am?

These shows of "politeness" -- and crudeness, in the case of whistling -- make guys seem like male peacocks spreading their tale feathers.

Sure, there is the occasional polite young man who knows how to treat us ladies and doesn't want anything in return. But, for the most part, chivalry is going the way of the Bali Tiger.

I guess the question is really whether or not the fact that a guy boards the bus before you is enough to make or break the attraction. The answer to this depends on the person, as my friend Michele Hannon, 20, and I concluded one night.

If you and a guy share the same passion about something or if he brightens every day you're with him, it just might be worth giving up those traditional shows of chivalry.

I wrote this 500-word piece for Fourteenth Street magazine's May 2010 issue.

Learning to love ‘me’ and not ‘we’

As Rosella Eleanor LaFevre reveals in her essay, love starts closer than expected – with yourself.

I have had a smattering of blips on the relationship radar and, in addition, one fairly serious – if brief – relationship. And somehow, I always end up alone come Valentine’s Day. This year, I will not complain. Rather, I will celebrate.

After years of exposure to the fairy tale and its grown-up naïve sister, the romantic comedy, I am finally past wishing for nothing more than a guy to set my life straight.

After years of pining for a Prince Charming or a Patrick Verona, I am sure that being in love with myself is enough.

I’m not talking about an unhealthy kind of self-love. The love that I am referring to is respect for my idiosyncrasies and a belief that no one’s opinion of me should outweigh my own. I mean believing in myself enough to take risks and to live my life without fearing that people might see me in a different way than I want them to.

Read the rest of this essay for the Valentine's Day-themed issue of The Temple News here.